If you are obsessive/compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, ask someone else to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, and 5.

If you are paranid delusional, we know who you are. Please stay on they line while we trace the call!

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully. A little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic/depressive, you can press any button you want. No one will answer anyway.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be advised that the thing you are holding up to the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

If you are suicidal, please press 7 and we will put you on hold.

Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hotline.