More (stupid) Frequently Asked Questions

Here it is, finally, the second installment in EMS (stupid) FAQ. The first one I wrote as a joke for people at work. Then I put it up on the WWW and got such a
great response I started paying closer attention to the stupid things we say to each other every day and (stupid) FAQ#2 was born.

Q. Why did you bring the patient here?
A. I guess the sign out front that says "Emergency Department; Physician on duty" fooled me into thinking that this was a hospital that treated patients!

Q. Do you think the patient can be triaged to the lobby?
A. Since they demanded transport for a refill on their prescription I am sure that the lobby is more than an appropriate place for them to go. Unless you can triage them to the parking lot or the nearest bus stop.

Q. How come the patient didn't just call a cab or take the bus?
A. Because the taxi services and the bus lines are smart enough not to take Medi-cal instead of cash payment.

Q. What are the patients bowel sounds? (On a critical 'auto vs. tree' patient).
A. Since we were on the side of the freeway and now are enroute to the hospital the bowel sounds pretty much resemble a diesel engine.

Q. Did you look for ID?
A. Sorry, no. I might find guns, knives razors and crack pipes during the physical exam but I am not going to reach into his pockets looking for ID and find a needle.

Q. What's the patient's name? What's the patient's name?!! (on a cardiac arrest victim).
A. I don't know, I asked him four times after he coded and he wouldn't answer me once!

Q. What are the vitals? (Different Nurse, same code).
A. If we're doing CPR right he should have a pulse rate of 80-100/min, 24 respirations/min, and a blood pressure of maybe 40 systolic.

Q. Can the patient sign the insurance and permission forms?
A. Only if they use your pen.

Q. (On the radio) Are you sure she's in ventricular tachycardia? The complexes are rapid and wide not narrow, right?
A. Uh, yeah I'm sure it's V-tach, we covered this rhythm in some detail in Paramedic school. Is this a pop quiz?

Q. Can we clear? We don't do this medical stuff. (Fire Captain).
A. Yes, you can clear. I am sure there is a La Z Boy recliner and a quart of ice cream waiting for you somewhere.

Q. Is he dead? (Different Fire Captian, same department).
A. What tipped you off? The dependant lividity, the rigor mortis, or maybe the ants crawling in and out of his nose?

Q. Why can't you hold over for a few hours this morning? (Managment).
A. Why not? I've only been awake for 26 hours straight and been puked on twice, I think it is safe to say I would rather floss my teeth with barbed wire.

Q. Can you guys hear the siren when it's on while you are in the cab of your ambulance?
A. What?! You will have to speak up I can't hear you from all the years of listening to the siren inside this ambulance.

This page is copyrighted © 1996 by Jerry Fandel. Permission to copy and distribute is granted (and encouraged) as long as this notice or my name is somewhere on the copy so I can take the credit or the blame whichever the case may be).