(Stupid) Frequently Asked Questions with answers!

Q. Do you need to go to school for this or can anyone do it?
A. You have to go to school, it is long and hard and most of the people involved like to abuse the hell out of you while you are doing it.

Q. Hey, Ambulance dudes, how do I get to the Dead concert at the Oakland Coliseum? (or any other request for directions)
A.Hmm, well,uhhh. I'm sorry I don't think you can get there from here.

Q. I'm seeing things, will you take me to the hospital?
A. Sure, if you are seeing rats and bugs we will take you to County Hospital, if you are seeing music and hearing colors we will take you to the Berkeley border
and drop you off, you'll fit right in.

Q. Do you like you like your job?
A. Yes, in spite of everything I do like my job.

Q. Do you make a lot of money?
A. Not enough by a long shot. At least not after my State, Local, and Federal Government gets through with my check.

Q. How come the Police come to the call with you?
A. Investigation, crowd control, and to keep me from getting my ass kicked by an irate bystander/family member/patient.

Q. How come all the Firefighters come to the call too? What do they do?
A. Beats the hell out of me, it's not like the patient is on fire or anything!

Q. Have you ever seen a dead body?
A. Yes, in all the various states of decomposition and putrefaction. I've even seen maggots in ones that weren't dead yet.

Q. Do you have anyone (like maybe a patient) in the in the back of your ambulance right now ?(asked while we are sitting in the unit eating lunch in the parking lot of Doug's Bar B Q)
A. No patients. Only the Paramedic Student; don't bug him, he's a stress case and might crack.

Q. What antacid is best for a stomach ache (asked in the parking lot of 7-11 at 03:30 a.m.)?
A. Pink, white or green pay your money and take your chances.

Q. Do you have any spare change?
A. Take a hike, I don't believe there is such a thing as spare change.

Q. Can I have bus fare to get to the hospital?
A. Yes, if it means you won't take an emergency rescue vehicle out of service so you can get to a routine appointment for your toothache and if you promise to quit bugging me.

Q. How long have you been doing this (asked by a recently hired rookie Paramedic)?
A. Let me figure it out. Since you were in second grade, partner.

Q. How come you are smoking that pipe , don't you know that is bad for you?
A. How can pipe tobacco be bad for you? If it was bad for you they couldn't sell it at Walgreens Drug Store. Right?

Q. Can me and my four kids ride in the back with my boyfriend to the hospital?
A. No.

Q. Can I ride up front on the way to hospital?
A. Maybe, if I like you and think you wont bug my partner in the back.

Q. How fast will your ambulance go?
A. I don't pay that close of attention, faster than my employer would be comfortable with, most likely.

Q. Is he going to make it?!! Is he going to make it?!! (asked in reference to a patient who puked after too many 40 ounce bottles of Old English 800 Malt Liquor).
A. Yes, I am sure that in spite of our best efforts , he will survive.

Q. Can I have a band-aid?
A. This is an ambulance, our band-aids are 8 inches x 6 inches. How many do you need?

Q. What happened? (at an minor fender-bender auto accident).
A. Plane crash!

Q. What happened? (outide of a house where a person was having shortness of breath).
A. Plane crash!

Q. What happened? (at a plane crash)
A. Shark attack!

Q. What does EMT stand for?
A. Every Menial Task, Eggcrate Mattress Technician

Q. What does the EMS on the side of your rig stand for?
A. Earn Money Sleeping, now please let me get back to earning some money, thanks.

Q. Does this tie go with the rest of my suit? (asked by a guy on his way to church).
A. Sure, a red, purple , pink, and black tie always goes with a gray pinstripe suit.

Q. Do you have an extra one of them urinal bottles. I have to piss real bad.
A. No. We don't carry those any more but thank you for sharing.

Q. What is the worst thing you have ever seen?
A. A 12 gauge shotgun blast to the left side of a woman's face that didn't kill her, so she was writhing on the floor and trying to scream through the blood running
out of her mouth with a good part of her face missing. Either that or it was the 6 month old baby who died because his drugged out parents left him on the floor heater grate until he was so cooked that the flesh of his fingers split away from the bones. Now aren't you sorry you asked?

Then of course the tables can be turned when I ask a stupid question.......

Q. How old are you (to a little kid)
A. 6,
Q. When will you be 7?
A. On my birthday!!!

Q. Are you always this much of a smartass?
A. No, I am usually much worse, but the medication is helping.

This page is copyrighted © 1996 by Jerry Fandel. Permission to copy and distribute is granted (and encouraged) as long as this notice or my name is somewhere on the copy so I can take the credit or the blame whichever the case may be).