by Tom Magliery

I have a little "first aid tips" card. You pull the tab down till the indicator points to an ailment, and the little window displays symptoms and treatment. My roommate Tom Matches got hold of it and modified the treatments somewhat. (The symptoms are what the card actually says):

Appendicitis

Pain in right lower abdomen. Nausea, possible vomiting and fever. Who cares? It's a vestigial organ anyway. Give him an aspirin.

Burns and Scalds

Redness, mild swelling, and pain. Blisters may develop. Peel away dead skin. Rub vigorously to encourage good circulation.

Convulsion

Strong, jerking movements; stiff body. Difficulty him breathing. Bluish face. Eyes rolled back, gritting of teeth, frothy mouth. Sit on victim. Laugh at until he gets embarrassed and stops.

Croup

Noisy, difficult breathing. Hoarse, barking cough. Stuff a sock in victim's mouth.

Cuts and Bruises

Cuts bleed and hurt. Bruises get red, swollen, and hurt. Call victim a sissy and and send him back out to play.

Dog Bite

Redness, swelling and bleeding if skin is broken. Fear of the dog. Scold victim. Shoot dog.

Drowning

Unconscious, pale or blue skin. Talk about what a great guy he was.

Earache

Pain. Possible dizziness or discharge from ear. Possible fever. Listen to one hour of Motley Crue. then you'll know what an earache is.

Fainting

Pale, clammy skin, dizziness, shallow breathing, sweating and temporary unconsciousness.
Before victim revives, take his wallet and clothes and put him on a bus to Toledo

Fever

Body temperature over 98.6 degrees F (37 C). Hot forehead. Administer 4 oz. of 'Old Jayhawk' [cheap whiskey] every 2 hours.

Frostbite

Skin flushed, then changing to white or greyish yellow. Blister may appear. Cold and numb. Pain. Submerge in boiling water.

Heat Exhaustion

High temperature. Pale and clammy skin, or hot and flushed skin. Headache and weakness. Possible nausea. Lock up victim in walk-in freezer for 1-2 hours.

Insect Bites and Stings

Pain and redness at the site of the sting or bite. Possible allergic reactions such as shock or difficulty breathing. Capture insect and mash to paste. Dissolve in one cup of milk and have victim drink.

Nosebleed

Profuse bleeding from the nose. Apply tourniquet to victim's neck.

Poisoning

Symptoms vary. Throat or stomach pains. Mouth burns. Vomiting. Drowsiness. Give 1 tbsp lye in ammonia solution to flush system.

Shock

Victim pale and weak. Clammy skin, perspiration on upper lip and forehead. Pulse rate and breathing rate are increased. Grasp victim firmly by the shoulders and shake, shouting, "Snap out of it!"

Stroke

Unconscious. Heavy breathing. Apparent weakness in face or limbs on one side of body. Inability to speak. Kiss patient goodbye. It's all over.

Sunburn

Redness, mild swelling, and pain. Possible blisters. Remove reddened skin with sandpaper. Soak affected area in alcohol.

Swallowing Foreign Bodies

Dangerous when in air passages. Voilent coughing and choking. Bluish facial discoloration. Breathing may stop. Shout, "Hey, dumbshit, spit that out! Whatsa matter with you!"

Toothache Pain

Tooth is sensitive to hot and cold food and fluids.
Alternate administration of hot coffee and ice cream.