Choking On Food

Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however. Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill. Make a mental note to order soup next time.

Concussion

When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the Prime Minister is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Then tot up the victims score and send it to me at this address:- Dr. Brain D'Eath, Concussion Quiz, P.O.Box 312, London, the highest score wins a mystery prize. Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion. Here's a good one: before the victim comes round, switch of all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blinded or something.

Cuts and Wounds

Dress the wound, whatever that means. Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing. Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my little joke. Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire. Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.

Electrocution

Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, switch off the power immediately. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would be going to waste. Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human being). And do try not to be squeamish about it. Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use him/her to jumpstart the engine as well if need be.

Fractures and broken limbs

Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always puts the wind up them. Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier. Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc. It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh.

Objects Stuck In The Eye

Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. do not use soap as well, idiot. Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it.

Treating Burns and Scalds

Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If the victims entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little too late for this). If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then remove clothing immediately. You can never tell, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury. Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an example.